Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) Read online

  “I am sorry, I have to leave you. I must leave now; I can’t tell you I love you…

  Snow had started to fall outside lightly and I looked out my bedroom window taking in the beautiful virgin whiteness falling downward. I awoke to find Rand gone, and I believe what I heard while I slept was real, I hear it again in my head, I am sorry, I have to leave you, I must leave now. I can’t tell you I love you… I know it was his pattern, I should have seen this coming, and I was so stupid. I cannot believe I finally told him I loved him as he slept. I don’t think he heard my words and yet he slipped out this morning and left unable to face me. I wrapped a bed sheet around me and walked past my writing room and glanced in to see all the work I had written this year with the band in a different area than I had last placed it. Rand must have wandered in there as one his journals was an arms distance from my writings. Several pages of my written work was scattered on the floor. He had probably started to read Rock Notes, and Rand saw that at some point I began to write another piece titled Love Notes.

  This other piece was my soul, my passion, my making it back to love again, and to love him. There were only a few of the love notes there but I had begun to write so many and they were actual love letters to him. Oh no, I freaked him out. I wish he hadn’t read how deeply into him I was and that I was ready to move on with him and make him feel loved. I poured my heart out in the love letters that he made me love once again and it was a real love, like none before. Oh I wish and hoped that he did not read my hidden secrets and feelings that I had not shared with him yet and wasn’t sure if I ever could. I blew it, I scared him, and he ran off as this was too much for him.

  I got to the door like so long ago and slipped to the floor beneath me and wept…. Broken again, emptiness overcame my body and I broke down weeping for being so swept up and so naïve…repeating my life’s pattern. I laid and cried for some time. I thought Rand would have accepted me and that his passion and touches and kisses were evidence that he could let me in his heart or I could rebuild his heart. Especially after last night I believed that he could make love to me, really feel love for me and I knew I could love him, I had for so long. Oh how I prayed for last night to finally happen between us and just as I released my whole soul to him, he had to leave, leave me…

  Hours have passed and the snow has piled outside now and somewhere in the pounding of my head from crying I hear a slight knock. It wasn’t really a knock on the door, but a fragile tap. I silenced my crying and slid to one side to open the door. Rand was standing, towering over me covered in glistening snow, with a very sad look on his face. I looked up in my pathetic frame of mind and wanted to replace all the doubt and fear that I just absorbed. But I didn’t know if he had come back to grab the remainder of his clothes on the bedroom floor and his journal and then leave. He slowly joined me on the floor, reaching over me and cradling me in his sturdy arms he knew without speaking, he knows that I thought he left for good, as I assumed he used to with all the other girls he met. I didn’t want to ask what he read; I figured he read it all, every page of my raw emotion.

  We stayed together like that for so long and I kept running my fingers over his arm and didn’t want to speak or leave the floor. He lifted me up into his arms and carried me to the bedroom where we had just spent the night before of making amazing love and wonder. The night before was so powerful, from the moment I gave in and let him take me over completely, love me, want me and let me release what I’d felt for so long. He made me think that I could feel whole again and experience something so intense with him.

  He now tenderly laid me flat on the bed and leaned up and brushed my bangs away and kissed my forehead. He lingered there for a moment only to then move from me to where he sat at the very edge of the bed and there he remained, silent. I thought he was just being compassionate in this awkward situation, I assumed he was feeling sorry for me and then he started to remove his shirt with his back facing me and slowly he pulled it up over his shoulders and head. My eyes were so sore from crying, still unsure if he was just changing his shirt that I had cried all over. Then I thought he would leave with a fresh shirt on. He turned to me briefly and in a low tone said, “Madison I am so very sorry” and turned back. “I went back home this morning because last night was too much for me, for us, I think something is missing.”

  The words plunged into my stomach as this had been the same scenario with Thomas so long ago. I was frozen and unable to speak; I looked up at him as my eyes filled in the corners and seeped to the sheet below. He leaned further forward bending toward the floor in front of him reaching for his clothes and belongings. I leaned up slowly to look at him one last time. I started to stare at his perfectly fit shoulders, then my eyes traveled down his back, and then my eyes widened and fixed on a new tattoo. It was freshly inked with shiny ointment coating it. Under the sheen I saw a heart, severed in half. There were dark crimson blood droplets cascading downward. My eyes blurred. He had a broken heart tattooed and I was saddened. As I followed the path of the redness and each newly drawn drop, I then saw the long, green stem of a rose. It was a single long stem rose that was crème in color with and a trace of the deepest pink trim. It twined, and climbed like green ivy across the naked skin of his lower spine and reached to a large red solid heart. It was the words in the heart that stunned me……

  Beautifully inked within that heart were two written words………Madison Rand.

  He was not leaving me, he was committing himself to me, Max Rand was here with me now as I had never seen him, so certain of himself and us, he was inked with the permanence of his commitment. Rand turned slightly toward me and caught my tear filled eyes trying to focus on his back. He spoke lightly, “Madison, I’m so sorry, I never wanted you to doubt me. I should have known that you would think I left, but I had to take care of something first, but you can see what that was.”

  I then raised, my body tired and weak from crying, and climbed across the bed toward him. I completely threw my messy crying self on his back actually hurting his newly inked tattoo. I say smiling into his eyes, “Yes, Yes, YYYYEEESSSS.” I said it over and over and over. I inched up to the rim of his jeans on his back and spoke aloud “Yes” to his skin and kissed it gently. Tears streamed from my eyes. Rand stood up and came down over me with the kind of smile he so often has and he wrapped his arms tightly around me, so tightly to not let me go. I think I saw a shine in his eye that was beginning to tear.

  He whispered lightly in my ear, “Madison I love you, I’m not going anywhere” and then he continued, “I tried to meet you years ago when you wrote the column about our band, but I was stopped in my tracks when I was told you were happily married. I always kept your photograph and studied it and hoped and wished. When you contacted my uncle Maxwell to write about the band and you were never answered, it was because he brought your request to me. He had known that I had once tried to meet you. I knew you were married and that in some cosmic way I felt for you something intense without ever knowing you. It was like being a fan of an idol or movie star that you think of all the time. Please understand that I couldn’t reach out to you to offer you the opportunity to write for the band and have you so close to me when I was then suffering so much love lost in my life then. It was the wrong time. Then it was you, my eyes caught sight of as I entered the stage, in the front row of our Philly concert when you turned my world upside down, my empty heart pumped.”

  “No it was you Rand that took my breath away as I watched you from that front row.”

  “Well I’m glad I make you breathless, you made me completely love struck crazy. I became so consumed that very night to find out everything about you, I read on the internet gossip that you left the newspaper column at a high point in your career to write other things and I also read you had gotten divorced. I figured I had received my sign of hope.”

  “Rand, I am so glad you looked for me, I mean into me, and about me. I often listened to your songs and thought of you singing them to me alone.”
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  “Well I tried so many times to get closer to you and get you alone while you were writing for the band, but there were too many times your ex-husband Thomas returned and I wasn’t sure where you were heading. He was at the concert all the way in Austin, Texas, then at the hospital when your father passed away; he was again at your house for your birthday. I actually met Thomas, it was at your home at your birthday party, I had flown in with Raeford, a last minute red eye flight decision, to surprise you for your birthday and Raeford to see Jillian for the night and I came to your house, not expecting a party to be going on. Raeford and I separated when we landed as he went to see Jillian and I went to buy you as many roses as I could find in short notice and at that late evening hour.”

  “Rand all I thought of on my birthday was the wish that I would see you when Raeford told me you returned with him.”

  “Madison, all I wanted was to see you, I wanted to hold you so badly and Thomas answered your door and said he was throwing you a private birthday party. I could see he did not want me to cross the threshold and he even came out to the front step to talk to me. He made it crystal clear I was not welcome, he then asked me what I was to you; I told him my true feelings about you, I told him I was totally in love with you.”

  “You told Thomas you loved me?”

  “Yes and he didn’t take it well, Thomas said that I would hurt you and leave you, funny coming from the man that did just that. I knew then I would never leave you, I would find a way to you. I handed him all the different bouquets of roses, there was no note to any of them, as I intended to be speaking from my heart what I would have written on a card, and Thomas took the flowers and went back to your party and closed the door to me.”

  “Rand I thought he had those flowers delivered to me, I never knew.”

  “Well I will continue to bring you many more now that you’re mine.”

  “I am yours, all yours.”

  “Madison I also tried to get to see you on Thanksgiving Day, despite Maxwell getting ill and having to take him to the doctor, once he was out of the woods health wise, we flew in on the next flight we could get and I did get to your house and it was late and as I walked up the edge of your driveway to surprise you and feel that Thanksgiving warmth of you in my arms after such a long time away, I saw you and Thomas, you were pulling him into a tight embrace and into your front door. I stayed outside to see you both walk past your front window enjoying a glass of wine near your fireplace; again this time it was clearly not my place to intrude. I felt I let you down.”

  “But, I never knew you were there,” I let out a shocked gasp. I was still was reeling from all that Rand was saying. Rand reached down and cupped my chin and said, “Madison, I have always felt something so deep for you, beyond the scope of love. I was so glad to see you the day after Thanksgiving; at least we got that time together. You had forgotten your scarf and it smelled like you. For days I would hold that scarf to my nose, inhaling your scent, closing my eyes and imagining that you were close. The scent faded but I still managed to get the feel that you were with me almost every day.”

  “Now I know what you meant when you said you could smell me. I was wondering about that.”

  “I know that many times that we were apart you assumed I was having sex with fans. I am sure you watched some of the video feeds from our travels that would surely imply that. Madison, I swear on my sister Ashley that I have never been intimate with another girl since I met you. The nights I never returned until dawn I was writing music, all about you, or thinking and dreaming only of you. Last night making love for the first time to you blew my mind, and as you told me you loved me and crossed my heart with your fingers, I knew your feelings were true. My heart began to feel again.”

  “I thought you were sleeping, that’s why I confessed my love.”

  “I heard your words and felt your gentle touch, the letters that spell love were simply not enough of a commitment for me to say back to you.”

  “I had to leave, I had to find Russ back at my house, knowing he would be there from last night’s party. My New Year’s resolution was to give you a permanent proposal tattoo for all that you have given back to my heart. I thought I had no love left to give, and I don’t care who has been in your heart before, but you have given me so much more love than I could ever ask for. My heart aches for you. Madison will you please become Mrs. Madison Rand please marry me and stay with me…forever, always be in my front row, hell jump on my stage and stay with me by my side forever?”

  I finally sobbed and caught my breath, nodding yes to Rand as I continued to shake. I was found and Rand had truly become my rock, my solstice, my world. I had written so many love notes for him with the hopes of this possibility of Rand and me falling in love. I was so complete and my love overflowing with the hopes and dreams now for our future together. He then began to climb up over me as I laid back on the bed. I think laying there on my bed on the fluffy white comforter, I had gone to heaven and as he came close to kiss me and I felt the heat between us.

  I was left completely breathless. I let him take me over, he entered me. He filled me and completed me, and I realized he found love again, and we found love again in one another. It was much more powerful this time around. I rested my head on his upper body next to his cross tattoo and closed my eyes mentally thanking whatever force had brought us together, and I felt each and every heartbeat that played from within his chest.

  Epilogue – Starting Line

  We have crossed the starting line into a relationship between Rand and me. So much has begun since I kissed “YES” to his permanent proposal. We spend a lot of time at his home although I still visit my townhome sometimes. My mother and uncle occupy it now since they have relocated back to Philly from Galveston, Texas. My Rock Notes has been picked up by a publishing house thanks to the persistence of one little charming young lady, Cecile. My Love Notes I still continue to create with each new memory we make. It is all the love that pours into my heart that keeps me inspired. Rand remains firm that he has not read any of them but will want to someday when I am ready to share them with him. His love travels through my blood and pumps into my heart, a constant invigorating feeling.

  I never did have my awesome writing desk delivered to my home as I occupy that corner of writing space at the rehearsal studio in the barn often. I have my own tiny brick space on The Wall, where the band and Rand has let me gather some of my own memorabilia. Most of which are Post-it notes for future writing pieces attached there and I have added a photo of his naked back with his marriage proposal tattoo.

  Rand, he has been so busy with song writing and will hopefully soon release his first solo album. Maxwell has been a great coach to him, but told him it will happen but all good things take time. It is titled “Simply Mad” named after me, Madison. His cover is being created and he wants it to contain my original column photograph. His song playlist that he has written all the songs to and may add more, I have only heard him play two thus far.

  New Album, “Simply Mad” for Madison

  This is his song list:

  • My Front Row

  • Sweet Nervous One

  • Secret Musical Note

  • Simply Mad

  • Empty Heart

  • Always Interrupted

  • Embrace Us

  • Our Holiday

  • Cross Your Heart

  • Permanent Proposal

  At the concert Thomas and I attended in Austin, Texas he had tearfully sang to me Empty Heart. And on the joyous holiday we all shared and the loving reunion of my mother and uncle with me he unveiled his song Our Holiday. I have peeked at his lyrics and new songs for the album. Here is one where it all started:

  My Front Row

  I feel you in the crowd,

  Or am I just imagining?

  Oh, I need you right now,

  Or am, I just wishing?

  I know where you have been,

  I want to keep you near.

 
I am blessed you are my front row,

  But without your love I fear.

  You don’t know where I’ve been

  You can’t see what’s ahead

  You don’t know how I feel

  You just look where you’re lead.

  I’m so glad that you came

  I have needed to understand you

  You’re the vision from my front row

  And I don’t know what to do.

  You don’t know where I’ve been

  You can’t see what’s ahead

  You don’t know how I feel

  You just look where you’re lead.

  I want to find a hopeful place

  Where I can lay you down

  I want to be with you always

  So amazed my heart’s been found.

  You don’t know where I’ve been

  You can’t see what’s ahead

  You don’t know how I feel

  You just look where you’re lead.

  So, look at me,

  Please, look to me,

  From the front row,

  I can see,

  We will see,

  What you don’t know.

  Also here is another that warms me –

  Embrace Us