Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) Read online

  I knew after my father passed that they returned to Philly for a time to write some new songs. Raeford keeps in touch with Jillian so she in turn always tells me, although I try to play it off, pretending not to be interested, but inside I am waiting for tidbits of information like a dog waiting for a water bowl on a hot summer’s day.

  Last week while we were at the gym Jillian told me that the band was heading west for at least a month plus. They had several local shows and a friend’s place to crash at for the month or two. I was missing that I wasn’t going to be with them on the West Coast but figured I could just go on the internet and follow along with their travels. I knew down the road I would need to touch base with them to finalize some of the items I was placing in the book, but I wasn’t even putting a time table to that just yet. In the meantime I was looking to hire a literary agent to field my writings to a publishing house.

  I found Cecile Brookes by accident. Jillian and I had gotten into a routine of hitting the gym three days a week to keep me busy and her in shape although Jillian is always in beautiful shape. We had finished a work out and had gone to have a light latte. While we were ordering, we saw a petite but very outspoken girl walk in. She told the barista that she would have her usual as she approached the counter. She smiled cheerfully at Jillian and I, and then walked over to us.

  “You’re Madison Tierney, hi, I’m Cecile Brookes” She introduced herself telling me she was a literary agent. “I’ve read some of your work, and I followed your column years ago. I don’t really care for the columnist that replaced you.”

  I was taken back as I didn’t know that some people actually knew of me. As I was thanking her, she decided to just come over and join us. When you get three girls together for a chat anything and everything are topics for discussion. It didn’t take long for me to warm up to Cecile; she was like a bright glass of fresh squeezed orange juice carrying you through the day, so sunny and happy. I told her I was seeking out a literary agent and you would have thought she just won prom queen. She was over the moon with enthusiasm. I discussed briefly the book I was working on about Rolling Isaac’s and she hung on my every word.

  “Madison, can you take me to see their rehearsal location and The Wall? Maybe, when the band returns I can see them play? This way once I’ve read your book I will have the complete picture of your work. I can get you in the door, across the publisher’s desk and to print.” I agreed to take her out there one day. She and I actually shook on the deal to work together giving me a nice feeling of anticipation and friendliness.

  After our first meeting by chance, she was off and running to assist me. Jillian was a great judge of character and she was right on board with me taking her on to help.

  Usually daily, Cecile would text me or call with a simple question about something I had written about the band. She seemed to take my work seriously. Most mornings of late, after touching base with her I would go online and catch a brief review of the band from the show the night before, or see where their tour was heading. This morning, there was a video feed that was taken by a fan. They had titled it “Randevouz.” I was curious so I hit play and enlarged the screen size and turned up the volume on my computer. It wasn’t the music that had me so surprised as it was one of Rolling Isaac’s that played loudly, and I began to tap my finger to the side of my computer to the tune. I was hit with the visual of Rand, kissing one girl and moving his hand down the curves of her back and then leaving her and walking further down the back of the stage area and pulling in another girl and almost stabbing his tongue into her mouth and the person recording the video zooming into this as they kissed. He sat down and brought her onto his lap and as she straddled his waist with her legs, they never broke their kiss. I closed out the video feed. I was blankly staring at the monitor as my phone rang.

  “Hey Madison, that Rand is one sexy guy. I just saw a video of him, the fans love him! What’s not to love, he’s a total package.” Cecile’s voice bellowed in her description of him. Not that I didn’t know how intoxicating he was, but I played off the video saying I hadn’t seen it. My stomach wrenched. I had seen it and couldn’t shake it from my head. I could see only one way to push past this. I decided to throw myself into planning my upcoming birthday. Thomas, Jillian and Cecile had asked how I planned to spend my birthday, so I decided to focus on that. I needed to put Rand’s sexual pursuits in the back of my mind.

  “Cecile, Rand is Rand, that’s how the band guys roll, oh by the way I have put some thought into my birthday.” I continued trying to quickly change the subject with her.

  I entertained years back and had dinner parties with Thomas’s business associates. I decided I wanted a party to lighten my solemn mood of late and have it at my home. The guest list would be limited to close friends of mine as my family was all gone now. I told them they could choose a theme for the party, provide the food and beverages, and I would leave to give them time to put it together and surprise me. My idea went over well with them all. Thomas and I had been continuing a nice, friendly talking relationship since my father’s passing and I had met quite a few people at the gym being there several days a week. Jillian took the liberty of letting them know.

  They had a few weeks of planning and they did party planning justice. On my birthday afternoon I left the house in a limousine and was scheduled to be pampered and puffed at the spa for hours. It was a well appreciated treat bought buy Thomas to make me enjoy this special day from the start. After I was all refreshed I dressed in new backless black tunic-style dress and black heels, I was ready to attend my own surprise party.

  As I walked up my front door, I really wanted to open it and have Rand there to embrace me and see me gaining confidence again and feel his arms wrap tightly around me as he wished me Happy Birthday. I turned the knob to my door and there stood Thomas front and center surrounded by many. Thomas pulled me in and embraced me; he lightly trailed his hand down the exposed back. Despite his touch and the warmth of his hug, this is not what my body was craving. I glanced toward the back of my living room and there stood a familiar, smiling face, Raeford.

  I ran over and hugged him so tightly. I actually bypassed other close friends but once I wrapped my arms partially around him I felt a secure feeling cover my entire soul. I was so happy that he was there. I asked the dumb but obvious question with excitement in my voice, “Is Rand here? Is he coming?” Raeford said he thought he was coming, but he did not elaborate as Raeford was not a man of many spoken words. When we looked around, Rand was not there.

  Thomas made his way over to me and forced his hand in between myself and Raeford to introduce himself. Thomas said, “Hello I am Madison’s husband Thomas.” I looked at Thomas and then he corrected himself in saying he was my ex-husband. He did say though that he was hopeful one day again we would make it legal. Raeford greeted him pleasantly just as Jillian swooped in eagerly to take her new man into her arms. Raeford turned to Jillian and said quietly, “I think it would be better if Rand doesn’t show.” I meant to question Raeford as I heard his words so lightly, but then I was so quickly spun around and hugged by another guest.

  I drank so much throughout the evening. I enjoyed being with everyone and letting loose in my own environment and since I didn’t have to be driven home or cared for, if I got to tired or felt too drunk I could simply crash in my own bed at the top of the stairs. I caught glimpses of Raeford and Jillian kissing in the hallway, the kitchen and even out on the deck although it was pretty chilly. I was thinking if Rand were here that would be us out there in the cold air, and I would have his warm lips conquering my mouth and his body embracing mine. We would hold ourselves so closely and be wrapped in one another’s warmth. I faintly heard the doorbell ring, but I suppose someone answered it because when I got toward the living room the door was closed and the bell never sounded again.

  In the foyer several gifts were left, I didn’t want to open any until the next morning, tonight I just wanted to enjoy the evening and the company. It
was later that I went to use my bathroom upstairs and I crossed the foyer to the step landing and saw a pile of floral bouquets in that area all stacked on top of one another.

  There were so many. I looked to Thomas standing several feet away, “Thomas what is all this, they’re lovely?”

  “You had a delivery.”

  “But so many?

  “All for you Madison, the roses are pretty but you’re beautiful.” I thanked him as he seemed to surely be taking the credit for this lovely gesture.

  I entered the bathroom upstairs. As I fumbled for the light on the side wall, the window to the front of the house allowed me the nighttime’s street view. I saw a vehicle with the headlights on and a person climbing into the front seat with dark hair just touching below the shoulder of their jacket. By the time I got closer to the window and opened it up, they had pulled out and were driving down the street. I shook my head, and told myself I was wishing something that wasn’t and that I had way too much to drink.

  As the party was dying down, Jillian hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry Rand was a no show, I wasn’t sure if he would be here that’s why I didn’t mention it to you earlier. But I love you so happy birthday! And please don’t be mad at me, but I’m bailing and taking Raeford home with me now!” I didn’t blame her, he was one chiseled, hot man and she deserved him. I was going to tell him to tell Rand hello or some other stupid thing since I’d had too much to drink, but I just thanked him so much for coming. I watched his ass the entire way as they left my house; Jillian was one lucky girl this evening.

  Thomas stayed on to help clean up and Cecile was still talking to us as she headed out the door. I hugged her and thanked her and asked her if she was okay to drive. We decided that if the weather permitted, to go out to one of the orchards in Bucks County the next morning. We wanted to get some pumpkins and definitely pumpkin pie and then stop at the band’s rehearsal studio as Raeford told me where to find a hidden key so I could get in and show her the place. Raeford said he may be there as well and he could talk to her briefly.

  The house was quiet now as we stopped playing the music and I fell into my sofa and closed my eyes. Thomas had remained. He came over to me and leaned into me and kissed me slowly. I drank a lot this evening and even just the sensation of lips crossing over mine, made me tingle. I pulled Thomas into the sofa with me and continued to kiss him. He gingerly took his lips down to my neck and climbed on top of me, keeping me pinned to the flat of the sofa below. I could feel that he wanted me. Silently in that moment of us kissing, he was telling me that he needed me. I was looking up at him from beneath his hold. “Madison you are so beautiful. I should have never let you go.” I pulled him in again and I swirled my tongue deep in his mouth, I was feeling so aroused, but not by Thomas, just by the act of kissing him, licking his lips and feeling him fill my mouth with his passion. I felt I was using him as a replacement for the desire I wanted to feel, and the taste I yearned for from Rand. Thomas pulled me in and I turned slightly, satisfied to have been kissed and so passionately. I closed my eyes and sighed and pretended to pass out so that he would not continue.

  He rose and kissed me on the forehead and spoke, “Madison, I still love you, and I know you love me.” I heard him walk away as he gathered a blanket from the other room and I felt him cover me halfway. I heard the front door shut as he left my house. I opened my eyes as I laid there and thought of nothing but Rand. I sat up for a bit and began to write another love note for Rand, in my notebook.

  Rand:

  In an old attic trunk you store away treasures and keepsakes. Some may be good, some maybe unfavorable and many were part of your life that made you grow. I have stored a memory away of my marriage to Thomas. That time was wonderful, but the ending destroyed me. Now one of the trunk’s contents has escaped the confines, climbed out and dusted itself off. This is Thomas. He has reinvented himself to come back to me thinking I will just fold and crumble and welcome him back and become his wife again. I don’t know why I am writing this to you, but I feel that you should know that had I not met you this may have been an option for me. It was meeting you that made me something more.

  Time that passed after Thomas left me and then our divorce put me at the lowest point I can remember. Reaching out to you with confidence to write again and your taking me along with you and the band was a fit in my life that has made me better. I know I still have feelings for Thomas. I just can’t turn them off, but it’s different now. The feelings that I have for you are what I turn to in my every day thoughts as of late. I believe fate has also come from my stored trunk in the attic and become the force or principle believed to predetermine events. As I am torn with feelings that tug in my heart, I am certain you are in my life now for a reason and the timing of us sharing moments and touches and kisses may become our wonderful destiny.

  Maddy xo

  I fell asleep with my pen and notebook spread on my chest. I was awakened midway through the night when I heard an awful rendition of the Happy Birthday song being left on my answering machine and I heard chuckling from girls in the background. As I made my way to the kitchen for a huge drink of water and to take a few aspirins to prevent my morning hangover I hit the play button and heard the song again. It was from Rand. He was drunk, it sounded in his singing voice and I heard girls with him asking him who is Madison that you are singing to, who is she?…he simply said to them in a cold tone, no one, let it go. This was the Rand of late that I was seeing all too often on the internet and now hearing him not in a manner I would fantasize about. Back in my bed I turned to my side and placed my notebook on the flat of the comforter and began to write, all I kept thinking about was Rand.

  Rand:

  I would never want to change you as you are so different in ways that I think we complement one another. But, I don’t now at this moment if I can ever really be with you or if we will ever make that step to be a couple. I see so many photos of you and fan made video clips that make my stomach turn. Not as jealousy but that we share moments together and then I see a clip of you with another in a stolen moment. It makes me believe that our time spent together may have no special meaning to you. I want to feel safe again in life, have that person as my rock, build that relationship…but you to me are unsure, the flight risk, and the wanderer.

  This doesn’t mean I have no feelings for you because of this as my feelings are so intense for you. But how do I get us, if there is to ever be us, on the same page. I don’t think I could ever be truly intimate with you and not wonder about you off at the next concert in another city. I trust you when you are near; it is the distance that I fear. I too have been drawn back at moments to Thomas and that is not fair to you although I don’t think you even know that at all. I guess, who am I to question your ethics and morals and actions when I am no better? I wish some of our habits could change or we could work on them together. Maybe one day I will have the voice to share these thoughts with you.

  Maddy xo

  I am not sure when I finally closed my eyes to the dark of the night, but I was sleeping very deeply under my comforter when I heard my phone sound again in the early morning hours. I reached to my nightstand and picked it up to see Cecile’s name and knew she was wide awake and cheery already. Her message was –

  Up, Up, Up. We have a nice day planned. I’ll be over soon. I am so looking forward to seeing The Wall you write about and their studio.

  I dragged myself to the shower; I put it on a cooler setting and stood in the center cursing at the chill but letting it awaken my senses and banish any arousal resulting from thoughts of Rand. I was up now and knew Cecile would be eager and full of excitement today. I decided with the autumn coolness now upon us that I would wear a rust colored sweater and I pulled on my low rise jeans and boots. Definitely not flip flop weather anymore. I grabbed a multi shimmered scarf and looped it around my neck and took my camel colored jacket.

  It was the beep, beep, beep that told me Cecile had arrived. One beep I woul
d have known she was here, but three possibly four…I heard them all. As I climbed into her car, I programmed her GPS with the address for the band’s location. Before we got there we stopped at one orchard and another small pumpkin stand along the way. I actually got a cider donut and some coffee at one as I had not eaten since earlier last night at my party. As we drove along the road, the fall foliage was in full glory. The colors were so beautiful and vivid, it was almost as if they were painted rather than naturally occurring. It happens like this every season for several weeks. The leaves are beautiful and then as fast as they turn brilliant and lovely they drop and we know winter has begun. But I was soaking in the sun coming through the windshield and watching all the orange and golden colors bounce about outside from the trees as the rays pierced through the branches.

  “Here we are, we have reached our destination,” Cecile exclaimed, sounding too much like the GPS voice, as we turned down the winding road that led up to the barn and the house off in the distance. “This is so beautiful; it looks like a canvas painting.” It did indeed, it was lovely. My eyes looked to the house and I didn’t see any activity or any vehicle parked out front. At the barn there was one unfamiliar car parked there. It may have been one of the band members’. I know it wasn’t Rand’s. I pointed out where Cecile should park. As we walked up to the barn, Cecile pulled out her phone and was taking many photos. She even wound up getting one of me with all the autumn colored trees and the barn off in one corner of the photograph. She snapped it and showed me. It was a great photo, because I knew I was thinking of Rand, and being here at his place.